Alzheimers and my Mom

The 36 hour day:
I just read an article on CNN telling folks how to deal with Alzheimer's patients at the holidays. Maybe I need to write up my experience. It's not so easy to deal with as what they printed. I'm tempted to send my story somewhere, but want anonymity if I do.
Mom knew
My dear mother passed away this year. I miss her -- but I am relieved that this dreadful disease no longer haunts us. It's funny -- my brother and I had different experiences. He and Stacy reported a smiling, happy woman. Especially at the end, they saw a completely different Mom. He didn't see the anger, the confusion, the conflicting emotions and conflicting memories. They didn't see the violence in the hospital -- this sweet little woman thrashing out, threatening to kill people. She was so scared, but the infection made her crazy. Nothing could have prepared anyone for this.
The Changeling
Earlier in this progression, I would visit and find Mom changeable. She could go from happy to sad in a heartbeat. Usually she was an unsettled woman. It wasn't' that she didn't recognize me. She always knew I was there to see her. She just couldn't really know if I was her sister, daughter or niece. Maybe she thought I was her granddaughter. Even if she knew my name, she wasn't always straight about how I became a part of the family. She asked me every visit how I became part of this clan.
Travel the Seven Seas
She always thought she was traveling. I'd come to visit and there she was, packed and ready to go. She'd want to change flights and leave early. Didn't like the hotel. Didn't like the other guests.
She forgot the years she cared for Dad. It was agony hearing Mom say she should have been there for him and shouldn't have let him kill himself. HE DIDN'T! It was hard to hear her say that he left her and she was a divorcee. None of this happened, but she didn't really know it. She grieved as if it was real and if I said otherwise, she didn't believe me. So she went through a strange grieving process and took little comfort. These emotions would be hard for anyone. One thing that was true, when she said she wanted to die, she really meant it. She knew what was going on. She knew it as it happened and it drove her nuts.

Sunset not so nice It was hard to bring her home after dinner. That is when the disease had the most control.
Mom did this sunsetter thing where she was worse as the days got darker.

Whatever she thought, it was as painful for me as it was for her. Well meaning folks would say: She wont' remember later, don't worry about it. That just isn't true: Mom would run the same play through her head on a daily basis; she would put herself through agony feeling the normal feelings of someone who suffered the painful emotions of loss even though she did not suffer those losses.
I couldn't bear to look at the stress on her face as she tried to sort things out. Mom was an intelligent woman. Mom was smart and sharp until the last few years. So one of my last visits, I sat and gazed with love at my Mom. She had pneumonia. She had an oxygen tube. As she ate, she noticed me looking at her and snapped at me: "Stop looking at me like I'm a freak!" I wasn't. I told her I was looking at her with love, but her comment tore through me like a saw. (still hurts now) Today, I think it was Mom saying she knew what she looked like and didn't like it. The lady was going away. The one always dressed to the nine's was not there. Ah, it was awful. And she knew it.
There was some good in this:
My mothers mind was gone. But she would squeal with delight when I walked in to the room. Later, the irritability came on strong if she didn't like something or someone. On lucid days, we had fun. On lucid days, we shared love and laughter, and enjoyed many peaceful, loving moments. We bonded well during those visits.
Gratitude
I'm grateful for these years, but will always feel I didn't do enough. I know it's a useless emotion. Still, it's there. I needed some sort of life too. I couldn't do more than I did.
But the good is that I kept going back. Mom and I had a rocky relationship basically because she loved me and was so worried all the time. Day by day, one visit at a time was all I could do. But her final years were mixed blessings.
A toast to MOM
Thanksgiving was always yours. And each year I remember the love that went into your feasts. You did good, Mom! This year, go do it again. Be with your sisters, your Mom and Dad and your sweet Stanley. Be at peace. WE MISS YOU, MOM! But we love you and we go on!

Sweet Success

It's been mighty busy in the Lamb Family of Businesses this week. I haven't had this much fun selling since my days selling those alpha numeric pagers and competing in that high volume telecommunications environment. It is a joy to serve. It is a joy to talk with folks about what we do to serve their business or professional needs with photography or communications. The nice thing is we can do business with folks we already like. There are not many we dislike, don't get me wrong. But surely we've all had some folks cross our paths that we would rather not deal with.

Our latest shoots are now on our web site for the Dennison International Motor Sports Garage tour. These images will be used by our local BMW chapter's magazine, and by the Dennison's for their new website upgrade. You can see these fine autos on our website by clicking here. Whle you are at it, take a look at our galleries. Coming shoots will include the 2009 Deception Pass Dash on 12.8.

IF that wasn't enough to boost our ego's, we are overjoyed to learn that our images are shown on Murray Franklyn home's Ridgestone plat. Here they are:

And we got some practice shooting video yesterday out at Fir Island. The snow geese were too far from our site to get any decent shots so I started playing with the video camera on my G9. The 24x zoom is amazing. Most of the images were more than slightly soft, but I was just playing around and trying keep busy. I have a few scenes of the birdies taking off and flying around in a circle. Maybe we'll post that here.

Cars

What is the matter with me? I've become excited about vintage cars. Beautiful, shiny, fully restored vintage cars. I go to car shows. We bring camera gear, and Rick and I shoot detail shots, full body shots, and basically drool over these cars. They are beautiful specimens. What's worse? Today, I went to Butch Dennison's garage with the car club. I not only drooled over some great restoration projects, but I talked with Butch and his wife, Nancy, to drum up some photography business.
I got all excited about these cars. I dreamed of driving that Porsche Spyder -- a sweet 1955 model that just screamed: Get in me and DRIVE FAST.

So yeah, what is the matter with me? I'm becoming enamored of vintage cars. It's not like me. I see an investment someday. This is nut. I've got way more important things to do. Writing up the content for our website is one thing. Getting our marketing materials put together. But no, I'm sitting here watching a televised vintage car auction on tv. I shall give in..this is really fun.

What to do when I grow up?

What a wonderful day. I'm feeling happy, joyous and free. It is so wonderful to have this election behind us. It is amazing to know that our beloved country stood strong for a candidate who promised hope, proved strong, and portrayed calm. I sense that Barack Obama will give us a sense of unity not felt for many decades. He can bring us together to fight through the muck to a better USA.

So why is my title "What to do when I grow up?" Perhaps I could have said IF I grow up. And that begs the question "What does GROW UP! really mean? Does it depend on who says it or why? Doesn't it depend on how I feel about myself? I don't feel like a child, so I think I already am grown up. I better be at my age!

Here is the deal - My Financial Advisor today said "You don't know what you want to do when you grow up." He called today and asked me what I want to do, without giving any advice, information or anything. He just jumped in and thought I should buy, but didn't even say buy what! I had to ask! But he has no clue how he contradicts himself. I'm not stuck, but I've no better option right now. Who is he to say I don't know what to do with my career. He barely knows me. I've been doing same line of work since 2000 or earlier. I have a trade. I craft words together, put presentations and documents together, manage content and manage schedules. I have many titles,a nice list of clients, and happen to be in between contracts. Still, this is what I do.

But I wonder how that is in his realm of service? He also told me that half his job is psychologist --- which is fascinating as he rarely listens to me during a call. He's too busy talking. As the market tumbled he called, had lots of visual scenarios that MIGHT happen, but never let me say much of anything. He contradicts himself just like an ex VP candidate. He thinks he is listening, but he is talking and so busy selling his ideology that he gives no concrete facts from which I can base a decision.

Isn't it more "Grown Up" to refrain from lashing out? Isn't it more 'Grown Up" to calmly wait for the opportunity to ask my question, and quietly recognize that he is contradicting himself?

See, I believe that 'growing up' means learning to take life on lifes's terms, not trying to make all people be like me or to make all people even like me. I believe that 'growing up' is not about deciding a career, getting rich or powerful, or having lot's of money. Growing up is about self love, self acceptance and self realization.

What I saw in the election is what I believe in my life. Treating others with respect is what wins.

Word Press

I wonder if wordpress blog servers are any better than this? they look more professional.